People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Ah..makes sense now
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
#CoronaOutbreak