The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business