And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
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Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.