I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
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Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?