I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”