This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
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Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
*checks Timeline*…
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet