Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
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Worst perfume name ever.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.