6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
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Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
This anagram machine is out of order.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?