Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
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My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet