Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
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guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I just ran a .003048K
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
doing your own taxes
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”