GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
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Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.