Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
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My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”