What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
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[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
No email needs to tell me not to reply.