The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
i baked you a cake
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
War & Peace