Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
True
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.