When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
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Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
is this meant to deter me
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.