me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
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This was a bad idea all around
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Me too 😆
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years