Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
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It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Thoughts
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My life in a nutshell