[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
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cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.