marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
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Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha