People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
This kinda thing happens to me often
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.