me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
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interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.