I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
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accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
smartest karate player in the world
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
this is what they would have looked like, though
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!