Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
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Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…