I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
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Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?