If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
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u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.