Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
You Might Also Like
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”