Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
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Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover