“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
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This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol