My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
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My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Cat is stressing him out.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.