Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
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They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”