A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
You Might Also Like
Fries, not lies.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Made something I’m not proud of
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug