Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
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[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.