I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
You’ll be OK
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.