When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
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“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Yup
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Room with a view.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.