[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
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Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
cyclists
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.