we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
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You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
The three genders