*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
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One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.