No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
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“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Oh yeah that’s it
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.