I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not