Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”