Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
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My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Go girl power!
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.