Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
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My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
What about second breakfast?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.