[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
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I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”