“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.