*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
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sliding into dms like
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Succinctly put.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Well, that should do it
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.