I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
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There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!