Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
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2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”