If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Hot Panini is in big trouble
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.