Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
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I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
cause of death:
autopsy.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
sliding into dms like
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
What my back needs
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.